Should Matters

Several years ago, I learned of the idea that you shouldn't say "should." It sort of made sense. I could feel that saying "should" was limiting, as in you only had one choice. There was even the clever phrase of "Don't Should All Over Yourself." The recommendation was to use the word "prefer" instead. So, rather than say "I should really workout everyday" one would say "I prefer to workout everyday." That change in wording logically seemed kinder and gentler. So, anytime I would think "should" I would automatically replace it with "prefer." It was a simple rule that was somewhat easy to follow.

I would faithfully replace in my mind and in my speech the word "should" with the word "prefer." I took what might have been "He shouldn't have said that to me" and change it to "I would prefer that he hadn't said that to me." or (more likely) "I really really really really prefer that he hadn't said that to me." But, I was missing an important step. I never looked inward to see why I thought that, I believed automatically changing the word from "should" to "prefer" was the thing to do.

After the last Field of Abundance, I began to focus more on the idea of frameworks, or those ideals we have about the way we want things to be. These frameworks can be conscious or unconscious. If they are examined, it is easy to make a choice in the present, if they are unexamined it can cause problems.

Now, I LOVE hearing myself think or say "should." I don't try to stop it, because if I do, I can't see it to examine it fully. I can use my thought, "He shouldn't have said that to me," as a clue that there is something there. So, I put on my detective hat and go searching. What framework do I have in place under that thought that makes me think he "shouldn't have said that to me?" And I'll find it. It might be something like, "people should be able to control their anger" or "my feelings should be more important than his feelings" or "people should always treat each other with respect." Sometimes there is even a deeper thought like, "life should work out the way I want it to be." Finding these deeper "shoulds" make such a huge difference in my state and my ability to make choices.

So, I have officially changed my position from "Don't Should All Over Yourself" to "Should Matters."

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